As a paediatric occupational therapist, I often support children who are learning to manage big emotions. Emotional regulation is a vital skill that helps children navigate social interactions, learning, and daily life with confidence. However, self-regulation doesn’t develop in isolation - children first need the experience of co- regulation, where a trusted adult provides warmth, guidance, and support to help them understand and manage their emotions.
Co-regulation is the beautiful process where caregivers offer safety, connection, and guidance as children build their capacity to regulate their emotions.
- Validation is key. One of the most important tools when co-regulating is validation. When we put ourselves in the mind of a child, showing that we see and understand their emotions, we elicit a huge surge of feel-good chemicals in their brain. This is essential for the development of resilience. Responding with curiosity and connection rather than correction can make a big difference. You can use simple phrases such as:
- I can see that this is hard for you.
- I can see how much you want this.
- It is really frustrating when XYZ happens.
- It makes us feel sad when XYZ happens.
- Hold space for feelings. After offering validation, pause and take a moment to wait, watch, and wonder. If we continuously fill the space of dysregulation with verbal reassurance, we prevent children from having the opportunity to process their emotions. Instead, by providing non-verbal support and simply being present, we allow children the space to move through their feelings. Holding this space helps them to tolerate their emotions because they know that with someone there who understands, they can survive it.
- “Be With” emotions. This means maintaining an emotional presence and attunement with your child by being available, empathetic, and responsive to their emotional experiences without trying to fix or dismiss them. Research suggests that “Being With” is one of the most effective (and quickest) ways to support children through their emotions. When we distract children from their emotions or dismiss them, the emotional response is often drawn out for even longer.
Through consistent co-regulation experiences, children develop the skills to self-regulate over time. When they feel safe and supported, they can begin to make sense of their emotions and respond to challenges with greater ease.
Children thrive when they feel seen, heard, and supported. By embracing co-regulation, we empower them to build resilience, confidence, and a strong foundation for self-regulation. Every moment of connection is an opportunity to nurture these essential life skills.
By prioritising co-regulation, we are giving children the skills they need to navigate life’s challenges with confidence, emotional strength, and a deep sense of security.
Caring for Yourself as a Parent
Supporting your child’s emotional development can be both rewarding and exhausting. Just as children need co- regulation, parents also need their own support systems. Parenting is not meant to be done alone, and your well- being is just as important as your child’s.
Finding ways to recharge, seeking emotional support from trusted friends or professionals, and practicing self- compassion are all essential. If you feel overwhelmed, reaching out for help is a sign of strength. When parents feel supported and connected, they are better able to provide co-regulation for their children.
If you're looking for additional support, information, or connection with other parents, here are some valuable resources:
- Kids Helpline Parent Resources
- Parentline (Victoria)
- Books by Ross Greene - Excellent resources on understanding children's behaviour and supporting emotional regulation.
- Podcast & Instagram: Pop Culture Parenting - Practical parenting insights.
- Dr Billy Garvey’s book: 10 Things I Wish You Knew About Your Child’s Mental Health - A great resource for understanding child development.
- Instagram: Neurowild - Informative content on neurodiversity and regulation.
- Circle of Security Resources for Parents
- Carer Gateway
These resources can offer guidance and reassurance as you support your child’s emotional development. Remember, co-regulation is a journey, and every step you take in being present, validating, and holding space for emotions helps build a stronger foundation for your child’s lifelong well-being.